All kidding aside, self-control is an important life skill that some would say we continue to learn and build on throughout our lives.
Fact: Babies are not born with self control. (Shocking, right!?)
Fact: Young children learn self-control by observing and interacting with others in their lives.
Fact: You can help your child develop self-control from birth.
Birth to 1 year
Self-soothing skills help develop self-control. During the first few months of life all the soothing for baby comes from Mommy, Daddy or caregiver. When a loving caregiver helps soothe baby, baby learns how to calm themselves. Singing to baby, swaddling, snuggling, and rocking are all tried and true soothing techniques. Being able to rely on a caregiver for love and comfort makes baby feel secure and safe.
Model self-control. Keep calm during frustrating or stressful times, if you need to, be sure to soothe yourself. The calmer you are, the calmer the baby will be.
Show babies what they CAN do. Instead of “don’t” and “no” try showing baby what is okay and what they can do. If they can’t play with Mommy’s phone, offer an alternative that gives baby the same experience (a toy phone or maybe a calculator with buttons to push).
1 to 2 years
Toddlers this age begin to express their feelings loud and clear. “NO!” is their favorite word at times. Frustration tolerance is pretty low for toddlers and with an undeveloped language base that frustration often appears as inappropriate behaviors (hitting and tantrums).
Stop the behavior. Interrupt the inappropriate behavior and firmly (and calmly) state why. Example: No biting, biting hurts.
Label feelings. Emotions are running high with toddlers and they need tools to help express it. Help toddlers by labeling their feelings for them. Example: I can see you are frustrated. You are frustrated because you want the toy open, but we do not throw toys.
Practice problem solving. Help the child see the problem and find solutions. At first the parent will need to do most of the work here (with coming up with solutions and making sure they are followed), but with practice children will begin to contribute more. Example: You both want to use the blue crayon, let’s take turns.
Model problem solving. Use positive self talk when you find yourself with a problem. “Talk” out the problem and possible solutions. Example: I cannot find my keys. Maybe I should sit for a second and think about the last place I saw them.
2 to 3 years
Impulse control is the name of the game for this age. Toddlers this age might know the right thing to do but still have difficulty stopping themselves from doing what they want to do.
Consistency in rules and limits. During this time when they are struggling with managing impulses, make it easier on them by having clear, consistent rules. If the rules and limits keep changing it makes it hard for toddlers to know which rules are “for real”. Having rules and limits help toddlers know what to expect, which makes them feel safe and in control.
Stay calm and use distraction. When emotions are increasing and behavior is escalating, keep calm, ignore the screaming and tantrum-ing and try a distraction. Calmly suggest you feel like playing a game of Go Fish, or exclaim how pretty the clouds are outside.
Create a cool down area. When the child is not upset discuss a plan for where the child can go if he/she needs some time to calm/cool down. This helps the child learn self-soothing skills and often kids can cool down quicker and easier when alone. Try to keep this a positive tool, not a punishment.
Discuss and problem-solve. Language skills are increasing at a phenomenal rate during this age. Help them build the vocabulary for discussing feelings and problem-solving. You can offer choices to help strengthen problem-solving skills at this age. Example: Running in the house is not safe, you can either find another thing to do inside or go outside to run around. Which do you choose?
Self control is the ability to cope with strong feelings and stop ourselves from doing something we want to do, but is not allowed.
How are you at self-control? Has having kids made it easier or harder to maintain that self-control for you?
:) Amanda
The importance of consistency with children cannot be overlooked. Self control is very much connected with boundaries.
ReplyDeleteConsistency is hard work, and you know what... no parent is perfect at it. It's okay if you make a mistake every now and again, but just realize you and your child will have to work a little harder to get back on track afterwards.
ReplyDeleteFor me I don't know if my self-control is easier or harder to maintain (probably depends on the kind of day I am having), BUT I know I am definately more AWARE of it, being when I need to make a choice I KNOW there are six little eyes and three little sponge-brains soaking in my decision!